RIU Commandments
by Maelstrom51210
Summary: Martin, Abbess Germaine, and Boar lay down the ground rules of the Redwall Infinite Universe
1. Chapter 1

RIU Commandments:

1. No one is to allow vermin to conquer Redwall Abbey- Martin the Warrior

2. Don't question why we lack pants-Abbess Germaine

3. The Board of adding rules shall be Martin the Warrior for Abbey Defense, Abbess Germaine for Abbey Basic Rules and Boar the Fighter for Salamandastron. This may be amended in the future.

4. It's never free muffin day at Salamandastron. Stop asking.-Boar the Fighter

5. Whoever tells the new hare recruits that there is a free muffin day shall be thwacked-Boar

6. There is no secret abbey hot tub. And whoever tells you that there is will not sell you the keys for twenty bucks-Germaine

7. No one is to write "made in China" on either the tapestry or sword- Germaine

8. My sword is not "enchanted by ancient demon magic" and I did not sell my soul to Beelzebub in order to do so. Who told you this, Slagar? Maelstrom? –Martin

9. Salamandastron has been proven to be extinct. Don't go around telling people that it's only dormant and about to erupt any second-Boar

10. Yes, Redwall is a commune. No, we are not socialist, so please refrain from calling us commies.- Germaine

B: Telling us that because Redwall must be communist because of its name will not convince us. It's just a color, guys. –Martin

11. The abbey is not a transforming robot.-Martin

12. Neither is Salamandastron.-Boar

13. Don't feed the Kreatures.-Martin

14. I'm not secretly female-Boar

15. Neither am I-Martin

16. Don't sing "The Bad Touch" by the Bloodhound Gang. Yes, we are mammals, but we will not "do it like they do on the Discovery Channel"- Germaine

B. Especially not in front of Cluny or Asterius. Because they might take you seriously.-Germaine

17. Don't sing the waffle song either. Waffles haven't been invented yet.- Martin

18. I didn't father your child.-Martin

19. We are not furries and we will not "yiff" you.-Germaine

20. Stop asking what Clan any of the wild cats are from or if they know where Firestar is.-Germaine

21. It's not a Snuggie, it's a habit. Jerk. -Germaine

22. Stop saying that Salamandastron is proof that Freud is right.-Boar

23. No, October Ale is not alcoholic. Stop accusing us of corrupting minors.-Germaine

24. Stop referring to Salamandastron as Efrara. Those were rabbits, not hares, dammit.-Boar

25. And for God's sake, stop drawing explicit pictures of certain body parts on the abbey walls.-Martin

B. I'm looking at YOU, Slagar -Martin.

26. Yes, we're technically Catholic, but that's because Protestantism hasn't been invented yet-Germaine

27. The size of my sword most certainly doesn't mean I'm compensating for something. That's such a huge lie. I mean, who would even think that?-Boar

28. To whoever keeps putting sales tags on the dibbuns and pointing them out to various vermin slavers…Stop it or I'll have to kill you.- Martin.

29. Stop referring to Salamandastron as Mount Doom and stop trying to throw random pieces of jewelry into it. -Boar

B. Even if you claim the ring you're trying to throw away keeps whispering to you and when you put it on you turn invisible.

30. Stop leaving food wrappers, beverage cans and used hypodermic needles on the abbey grounds-Germaine.


	2. Chapter 2

31. Stop calling Salamandastron the Throat of the World and stop asking me where Parthunaax is. The dragon up there is actually a fake-Boar

32. Going with the above, Redwall isn't Whiterun and you are not the Dragonborn- Germaine

33. Stop using my sword as a back scratcher -Martin

34. No, I haven't watched _The Secret of NIHM_- Martin

35. Whenever I start battling vermin, never say "Cloud Strife called, he wants his Buster Sword back" It's very distracting- Boar

36. If the League for Vermin Recognition doesn't stop sending us terrorist threats, then I will personally show you what I think about such threats- Martin

B. However, I am impressed with your ability to send anthrax over by E-mail; especially neither of those things actually exist yet.

37. There will be no more abbey food fights. Last time one of those happened, Skipper nearly lost an eye to a blackberry scone- Germaine

38. We don't NOT serve Hasenpfeffer at the Salamandastron cafeterias- Boar

39. Stop pointing out to me that the tree names that make up the anagram that spells my name are all the names of Pokémon characters- Boar

40. Sunflash and Urthwyte are not "shiny" badger lords.

41. Slendermouse does not exist- Martin

42. Stop stealing my glasses and using them to fry ants- Germaine

B. Or using them to ward off vermin. You people should know that doesn't work.

43. Stop suggesting that we should dye our habits black to seem more "hip"- Germaine

44. _Cannibal Holocaust _is NEVER a good suggestion for Movie night at Salamandastron- Boar

45. I was going to chastise the person who drew the moustache on my picture on the tapestry, but the more I look at it, the more I'm digging that look- Martin

46. Don't ask about what happened to that beaver- Germaine

47. Maelstrom, stop sneaking in at night and putting whoopee cushions on my chair- Martin

B. Before you ask, it's pretty obvious that its you, Maelstrom

48. No disrespect to your religion, but Asterius, please perform your rituals somewhere farther away from the abbey. They're really starting to freak people out- Germaine

49. There will be no more "Tex-Mex Tuesdays" at Salamandastron –Boar

50. "Leeroy Jenkins" is not a viable warcry- Boar

B. Neither is "For Sovengarde!"

C. Or "Spoon!"

D. Or "I'm here to kick butt and chew bubblegum, and I'm all out of bubblegum"

51. No one is allowed to access the internet at Salamandastron anymore- Boar

52. I AM NOT A PIKACHU!- Martin

53. Stop calling the local wild cats "Khajiit" –Germaine

B. Or any nearby Monitor Lizards "Argonains" Ublaz has been complaining about that one.

54. No one is allowed to hold light switch raves in Saint Ninian's- Germaine

55. I am not a Time Lord and my sword is not a Tardis- Martin

56. There is no "Corporal Amanda Hugankiss" or "Sergeant Anita Tinkle" Stop asking me to call for them- Boar

57. Squirrels are not ninjas- Martin

58. I am not a secretly a Magical Girl called Sailor Mossflower. What are you people on?!- Germaine

59. Stop stealing my sword to use as a hedge clipper or shaving razor- Martin

60. Please stop spray painting Urthwyte pink- Boar


End file.
